I have been thinking about authenticity a lot; being an authentic Christian. When I started this blog, I said that I wanted to be honest and real about being a pastor’s wife and mama.
There is something that I have been hiding; something that I only recently admitted to myself. I have been struggling. I have been struggling with some form of depression for a couple of years now.
At first, I thought it was just because I had a seizure and lost a lot of independence. Then, Harper was born and I assumed that it was just baby blues. Here we are two years later, still struggling. I am a ministry wife, and I feel like I am doing something wrong by even admitting this; let alone the struggle itself… I have had this typed and fear hitting “publish” but I need to.
I have made excuses for how I feel. I mean, if you look back on the past couple of years, you will see that they have been pretty rotten. However, my faith didn’t waver. I TRUST GOD. I don’t understand it all, but I trust Him and His great plan.
I spoke with my doctor last week. I was able to pinpoint when it all started. It could be a side effect of the medicine I take for seizures. So, we are scaling back on how much I take (apparently he had never seen anyone on such a high dose before). He is also checking hormone levels, because if they are out of whack it can cause all sorts of issues. I am looking at you, insomnia and exhaustion.
I hate the thought of automatically taking pills. I hate medicine. Now, please do not think that I frown on people who do take medicine for it. I know that it is necessary for some. There is no judgment there. None at all.
I am very thankful to have found a doctor who is willing to let me try some natural solutions.
Do you know how it feels to tread water? At first it’s easy, and no one can really see how hard you are working. After a while though, it gets harder to stay above the water. Occasionally, the water covers your head and you fight like crazy to get back up. That is how I have been feeling. No one could see that I was hurting. It has been more difficult to put on a brave face lately. In fact, I don’t know that I have really been fooling anyone except for myself.
Why am I sharing this? I am not looking for sympathy. NO! I don’t want it. I also don’t want advice; no matter how good the intentions are. I want other ministry wives to know that they are not alone. This path is not easy. It’s ok to struggle. It’s ok to hurt. You are not alone.