Hurricane

There is a song by Natalie Grant called “Hurricane”. I listened to this on a practically daily basis throughout the pregnancy with Harper. I have felt like I was in the midst of a hurricane. Things kept spinning out of control. Every time I would think it was almost over, it would start again.

To be honest, the hurricane is still swirling.

I was listening to it again last week. I am tired of the hurricane. I am exhausted. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually exhausted. I stumbled onto a video on youtube where Natalie was describing the inspiration for her album. She wrote many of the songs on her album while dealing with post-partum depression.

Depression.

A Christian woman.. a prominent Christian woman dealing with depression.

Her story sounded so familiar to me.

I don’t know that I am suffering from post-partum depression. I don’t “not desire” to care for my baby. I want to take her and hide away with her and lock the rest of the world out. I am suffering from depression that is stemming from not being able to have children anymore. That decision was taken from me. I will never again feel those first kicks of a baby squirming inside of my belly. I will never again get to watch my large uncomfortable stomach flop around from a giant baby kicking me. I will never again spend hours with a bulging stomach in a rocking chair praying for my unborn child. It’s gone…. forever.. and it hurts.

If one more person tells me that I have “enough” I am going to scream.

Even if I have “enough” it hurts. It was the hardest decision that I have ever been faced with. It is a decision that haunts me because I start to doubt.. but, then I think about it and pray about it the way we did before the decision was made. I still reach the same conclusion. If I had chosen to get pregnant again, the seizure disorder most likely would have been worse (as it has become significantly worse with each pregnancy). Even if it hadn’t become WORSE, it would still be present. I would have to be on anti-seizure medication to prevent a seizure. These medications can cause serious damage in the development of the baby’s brain. So, let’s go the other route. I stay off the medication and just hold on for the ride. A seizure can kill an unborn child.

I CAUSE permanent brain damage, or I kill my child. Those are my options..

Then, I get angry. WHY do so many unfit people get to become mothers in an unlimited amount. I am so blessed that I have THREE healthy, beautiful children. I know this. But, it is still so extremely difficult. WHY does this year have to hurt so much. Why can’t we just get some good news..

I have found that finally putting a voice to my pain has helped. I am not holding it in anymore. Honestly, I am still painting a smile on my face. If you read this, then you know the truth, but I don’t feel that everyone else deserves to know my business.. especially since so many people are only asking questions because they are nosy and want something to gossip about.

If you DO read this, please continue praying for me. It is not easy for me to admit that I am struggling. But, I AM STRUGGLING. I am struggling a lot. I am physically exhausted from daily life. I am spiritually exhausted because I am clinging to my faith so hard. I am emotionally exhausted because.. well, I have all of these new found health problems, there is still the lingering possibility of surgery to remove a lump from my breast, my aunt has cancer and is about to go through chemo and radiation, my grandparents are in failing health.. my extended family is hurting.. there is just a lot.

There is still a lot of good, and don’t think that it is lost on me. But, this hurricane has been beating down for 7 months straight. The preparations are wearing down, but I refuse to let them completely break.

GOD IS STILL GOOD!!

Harper’s birth story

July 17, 2014 is the date that I was set to be induced. I was supposed to call the hospital about an hour out from my induction time to find out if they had room for me or not. Imagine my surprise when I woke up that morning plagued by the stomach virus that had infected my family earlier in the week. I had all of these plans of playing with Chloe and Addison and doing special activities with them all day.. the last day of just “us”. Instead, I laid in bed all day watching movies and trying to sleep as much as I could through the misery. My temperature kept rising and eventually was over 103 degrees. I called the hospital when I was supposed to, and they were super busy. Thank you, Jesus. They told me to call in the morning. I was so relieved.. I drug myself up the stairs to tell my girls goodnight, and thank my mother-in-law for coming up to take care of them. Don’t worry, I kept my distance. She came armed with Lysol anyway. 😉

I went back downstairs and noticed that I was having contractions. I timed them, and they were consistently 6 minutes apart. I told Scott, but told him that I was going to sleep. I was not going to make the same mistake of staying up all night just to find out if I really was in labor.. I will wake up if it is time.

The next morning I woke up super early to call the hospital. I was feeling tired, but SO MUCH BETTER since I had a full night of sleep. I was still having contractions 6 minutes apart. We got to the hospital and all checked in. They had all of my information since they had seen me so much over the past 3 months, so check-in was a breeze. They got me in my room and set up with an IV. The nurse was so nice. I HATE getting IVs. Shots don’t hurt. Getting blood drawn doesn’t usually hurt, but IVs HURT. A lot. I told her that I always get dizzy when I get an IV. She cranked the air WAY up and put a cold wash cloth on my head. Ya’ll, if you have the same problem, ask your nurses to do this. It was amazing. I didn’t feel pleasant, but I also didn’t feel like I was going to pass out. The only other time that has happened for me was when I was in the back of an ambulance and really confused.

They were trying to determine if they were going to start Pitocin, or if they were going to do the hormone that just softens things up. My OB figured that the hormone would be all I needed to get labor really going for me. They hooked me up to the monitors and determined that I was having too many contractions to do that. They started Pitocin. They always start it out really slowly. Slowly was all that I needed. I kept watching the contractions on the monitors, and they were going off the charts. I still felt pretty okay though.

My OB came in and said that she was going to break my water within the next hour, so if I wanted an epidural that I needed to do it then. I agreed, knowing that labor always flies once my water breaks. The anesthesiologist came in and started getting her stuff ready. Scott has always been able to be in the room during my epidurals. I was at a different hospital this time, and they made him leave. They have actually lost a dad who fainted and hit his head.. My anxiety level went through the roof. My rock wasn’t there anymore. The nurse was so nice though, and so supportive. She kept telling me what a great job that I was doing. This epidural HURT. Oh my gosh. It was loud.. it was painful.. I kept moving because it was hurting so bad. I thought that she was never going to finish. One leg went TOTALLY numb. Then, the rest of my body went numb. I was finally able to relax.

They left me alone for a while so that I could rest some. The nurse came in saying that she was going to have to slow the Pitocin down because baby wasn’t liking the contractions. A little while later she tells me that she is going to have to just turn it off. They were coming too fast and too strong, and she was not reacting well to them. The doctor came in and broke my water. They noticed that there was meconium mixed in with the amniotic fluid. They were concerned about how numb my leg was, so they turned me a little to my left side to try and distribute the epidural a little more. This backfired because it made my entire body completely numb. I couldn’t move anything below my arms at all.

I told Scott that I thought I was feeling some pressure, but that surely it was too soon. My labors have always lasted FOREVER. The doctor came in to check to see how far long I was, and she exclaims, “YOU ARE ABOUT TO HAVE A BABY!” I look at Scott and almost feel panicked! They start setting up to deliver. There were so many doctors, nurses, and students in the room. This poor guy that is on his way to being a heart surgeon is witnessing his first childbirth. He is asked by the doctor to hold one of my worthless legs for me. Poor guy.. At the time, nothing is humiliating.. Thinking back everything is!

My doctor told me that it was time to push. I hear a nurse say “Oh, that baby is going to slide out like buttah.” I started cracking up laughing. I only pushed a few times and Harper was out. I don’t remember hearing her cry, but I am sure she did. A nurse ripped the top of my gown down and all of the sudden this little stinky baby is flopped onto my chest. In case you wonder why she was stinky.. meconium… ’nuff said.. I was so in shock that she was already on my chest that I just kept staring at her. One of the nurses says “Do you like her?!” and I smiled and said yes as my eyes flooded with tears. I think they must have had NICU nurses or something in the room because there was a woman over my shoulder watching Harper. Harper was kind of purple colored. The nurse says “Yep, she is struggling.” I remember thinking “THEN DO SOMETHING?!?!?” She wiped Harper’s face aggressively with a towel and Harper took a huge breath and started screaming. Apparently that did the trick. They said to let them know when I was ready to have her weighed. Never. I don’t want to give her up. I told them that they could go ahead and do it so that I could feed her. They cleaned her up a little bit and got all of her measurements.

I remember always reading that when left on their own, a baby will make their way to their “food source”. I had always wanted to test that. Since they let Harper lay on my bare chest, I watched as she slowly wiggled her way and latched on all by herself. I was amazed! She ate for a good, long while. I was violently shaking terribly though. The doctor said that my lips were blue and asked if I was feeling cold. I felt fine, but was worried about shaking Harper. They piled warm blankets on top of me, and I kept shaking. They finally wrapped them around my head. A little while later, the shaking stopped.

At this hospital, they typically don’t give babies a bath for the first 24 hours of life… which after reading about it, is really good!! The nurse asked my permission to wash Harper’s hair since she had so much poo in it. I told her “yes, please!” Eventually I was moved to the recovery room. They never took Harper from my room. She followed immediately with me down the hall to my new room. They did every test in the room with me. It was so awesome to have this beautiful baby by my side every second.

Since I was having a tubal done, they left my epidural in. They were hoping to be able to re-use it. A little piece of advice. ALWAYS SAY NO!! I didn’t get any sleep that night because it was so painful. Not to mention, they can’t re-use it!! It is rarely successful and after a few hours, it’s impossible.

Harper was awake most of the night, but I didn’t really mind that. I love their soft, fuzzy, sweet little new baby bodies. I love snuggling them. I love just watching them figure out the world around them. I was not allowed to eat or drink anything after midnight since I was having surgery in the morning. I ate a CLIF bar and drank a big cup of apple juice shortly before midnight. I was glad I did. My surgery kept getting pushed back the next day.

Scott went home and brought the girls to meet their baby sister, and my mother-in-law joined them. They were so adorable with her. They got bored pretty quickly, so he and his mom took them back home.

FINALLY some time around 1, they came and got me. I was so anxious. I have never had surgery other than oral surgery. They took Harper to the nursery for the first time since Scott wasn’t there. I told the nurse that he would probably want her when he got back. The nurses offered me something to make me a little sleepy since I was so nervous. I am so grateful that they can do that through the IV they left in me. It wasn’t necessary, but they knew my history and kept me on fluids the whole time I was there. I woke up a little while later with a big ice pack across my stomach. The nurse asked how I was feeling. Ok. Tired. I was in and out for a while. She asked if I wanted anything for pain. I didn’t really have any at the time, so I said no. Then, I realized that was dumb. I didn’t want to wait to feel any pain. She brought me some crackers to eat so that I didn’t take it on an empty stomach. Crackers have never tasted so good!!!!

Finally, they wheeled me back down the hall and transferred me from the recovery bed back to my hospital bed. Scott and Harper were in the room waiting for me. I love seeing that man holding our babies. 😀 Eventually I had to sit up. I called a nurse and she came in. She told me some tips for sitting up for the first time. She told me that she didn’t want me to think that she was mean, but she wanted me to learn how to do it alone, so I didn’t get any help. That first time of moving HURT.

I was in quite a bit of pain that first day. The incision itself was pretty small, but it felt like my stomach had been inflated. I had asked to stay an extra night since insurance would cover it, and I could rest much better there than at home with two other little ones. I got to hang out half of the next day at the hospital since it was a Sunday and Scott needed to be at church.

Finally, we got to bring our beautiful new baby home. It was a long, difficult, and terrifying pregnancy. But, I would do it over and over again if it meant I ended up with Harper. It was 100% worth it!!

Complete

I read a lot of blogs. It’s how I pretend that I have real friends. HA! Anyway, one of the blogs I read was her announcing her fourth born child. Her baby girl is beautiful. At the end she says, “I feel so happy and complete.” Complete. I was always told that I would KNOW when I was done having kids. That our family would just feel complete.

I am not having any more children. This body has had a permanent “fix” for that… I don’t feel anywhere near complete. I am wondering if this feeling is ever going to go away. I love my three girls. They are beautiful and wonderful, but I don’t feel as though our family is complete. I am thankful that God has allowed me to have the children that I do have. But, I can’t stop this feeling of a downward spiral.. this complete and utter sadness over having to stop. Is there a word that is more “sad” than sadness? That’s how I feel. I feel like I am sinking in quicksand.

I am so desperate to snap out of whatever this is. It is the holidays. I am usually chomping at the bit to set up the Christmas tree in July.. I am typically watching Christmas movies and singing Christmas carols by now. I am not even looking forward to Thanksgiving.. I dread having to set up our tree and put out all of the beautiful decorations. I dread getting out of bed in the morning.. I want to just stay snuggled in bed with Harper.. the one who still appreciates what I do.

If you are reading this and thinking about how terrible I sound.. just keep it to yourself. Your words couldn’t possibly be worse than what I tell myself on a daily basis.

Please just pray for me. Pray that peace will come.. that I will feel like our family IS complete. I can’t take this broken hearted feeling much more.

Perspective

Some days, it all comes down to perspective.

Yesterday, I went to see my neurologist. I was chastised by him for not consistently taking my medication twice I day. I always take it at night but forget in the morning.. or just skip it because I knew that insurance was going to change and not cover it soon. I have been fine taking it just once. He said that he cannot release me because I am not following his orders and am putting myself at risk of having another seizure. I have to have a sleep-deprived EEG also before he will even consider releasing me to drive. My insurance has switched around since having Harper, creating a whole other mess to sort out before I can even begin to get these tests and follow-up appointments done. Insurance doesn’t cover ANY of my medication anymore, and all of the other drugs have too many risks for breast-feeding and side effects. I left his office, got in the van with Scott, and cried. It was just too much thrown on me at once. I also have this looming lump in my breast that still has not gone away. If it is still present when I finish breast-feeding, I will have to have it removed… which freaks me out only because of surgery. I don’t think that it will be a cancer issue.

Then, I called my mom. My beautiful, strong mom. I told her how my appointment went. My aunt was diagnosed with lymphoma several weeks ago. It is all throughout her body. If she doesn’t start treatment NOW, it could consume her body and take her life within weeks. Her insurance has also been messed up, and she cannot afford to do what she needs to do right now.. Perspective. My mom apologized saying that she was sorry that my appointment didn’t go the way I had planned. I told her that it didn’t matter anymore.. I am not dealing with cancer. My life is not at stake…

Can I just say that I am glad that God is not limited by doctor’s opinions. My aunt is currently treatable, but all they hope for is remission. My heart breaks for her, the granddaughter she has custody of, my grandparents, and all of my aunt’s siblings. God CAN heal her body miraculously. I pray that he does. I know that He may choose not to. He will have His reasons. He is good no matter what the outcome of it all is.

Please be in prayer for my family. This news is difficult to hear. Pray that God will be glorified through all that comes to pass; no matter what that may be.

Some days there are rainbows

Yesterday was an extremely emotional day for me. My husband was at work all day yesterday. The girls were all pretty quiet, and I was left reflecting on all that has happened this year. It has felt like bad news on top of bad news. I spent a lot of yesterday in tears. Some were hot tears from the emotional heartache of it all. Some were tears of joy because of all of the good that God has done for me; which far outweighs the bad.

This is probably going to seem really silly. Maybe. But then again, maybe not.

I entered this contest a few days ago. Sarah Mae wrote this book called “Desperate”. I read it a year or so ago. It is incredible. If you are a mother, you need to go buy and read it. It is so encouraging and uplifting. Anyway, the contest ended last night. I figured I probably wouldn’t win, so I never went back to check. I never win anything. Well, I won a baton when I was 10… sixteen years ago… This morning, she shared on her facebook to go and see if “you” won. I have never wanted to win a contest so much, so I went anyway. The first name on this list is “Ashley P.” I freak out and check my e-mail. Nothing. I feel so disappointed. But, then I scrolled all the way to the bottom.. where I read that ASHLEY PULLEN is the winner. Whaaat?! Ashley Pullen is a hyperlink, so I click on it, and am taken to MY facebook page. HOT DOG!!

I still am freaking out that I still haven’t received an e-mail. I start going through my SPAM folder. I start thinking about how I am going to miss out because I must have messed up my e-mail or something.. I am such a pessimist. I should really work on that.

I posted on a buy, sell, trade site wanting to sell something. Later in the day I decided to check my “other” folder to see if anyone was interested in it.

There, waiting in my “other” messages folder is a message from Sarah herself asking me to e-mail her!!!!!!!!!!! Good grief! I am such a dork. Seriously. If you know me at all, then you are fully aware of this FACT.

This year has felt like a storm. There are occasionally breaks from the thunder and lightening. Today, after something that seems as silly as winning a contest, I feel like a huge rainbow is painted in the sky just for me. I won a lot of really beautiful items that I can’t wait to decorate my home, ears, and purse with. But, I also won a lot of incredible books that I can read to encourage me!! I also get the opportunity to encourage other mommas by starting a book club for my FAVORITE book about being a momma! I can’t wait!!

Half of a year

Six months ago today, my life was forever changed. I started the day out great. Our baby’s room was almost complete! It was a warm and sunny day outside. I took my two girls outside to play, and also carried a huge drink outside with me. I left my drink on the deck, and walked onto the grass to play with the girls. They were being silly and playing on the miniature Little Tykes slide. I was standing next to it laughing with them. All of the sudden I started feeling weird. I have had these spells as long as I can remember, but they happen A LOT in pregnancy. I hear a ringing in my ears and then everything starts to go black. I always beg God to make it stop, because it is really frightening. This time seemed no different.

I grabbed onto the side of the slide to steady myself praying, “God, please make this go away. Please.” The next thing I know I open my eyes. I see the deck and a blue sky. There is also a blurry face right next to mine. “Ashley. Ashley, do you know where you are.” I just kept nodding my head. “Where are you?” I couldn’t answer. I had no idea what was going on. “Can you tell me your name?” Yes. “Ashley.” The next thing I remember is being lifted onto a gurney by two men. They buckle all of these buckles. Then, I am wheeled between our house and Pastor’s house. I see my girls playing soccer with our Pastor’s son. They are smiling. None of this registered with me until later.

In the ambulance I hear Scott telling them that he is going to follow behind in our vehicle. “I love you, Ash. It’s going to be ok.” I tell him to call my parents. I didn’t even know what was going on, but somehow I knew that they needed to know. They close all of the doors and away we go. The EMT sitting next to me was so nice. I asked him if my girls were ok. He says, “They are just fine. They are so cute!” He starts trying to find veins in my arms. I tell him that they have been having to use my hand lately. I thought I was getting my blood drawn. Next thing I know, I have an IV in my hand. Suddenly it dawns on me that I am in the back of an ambulance. “WAIT! WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?” I say in a panic. He calmly tells me that it looks like I have had a seizure. “Oh, okay.” and I relax again. “Do you feel the baby moving?” Thump. “Yes” I say with a smile.

We get to the hospital and I am put in a triage room in the ER. Doctors and nurses are coming in. A nurse tells me that I need to remove my shirt and bra. I am so confused that she removes it all while another nurse holds a gown in front of me. Scott arrives. You can see the concern on his face. The nurse comes back and tells me that they need a urine sample, but that she does not want me to go alone. Scott has to come with me. He holds me up as I stumble to the bathroom. I make him face the wall, because this is humiliating to me.

A doctor comes in my triage room. He tells me that they are going to admit me to the hospital to run tests and observe the baby, and that I was SEVERELY dehydrated. “We need to know if you actually had a seizure. If you did, we need to know whether it was random, or eclampsia. If it is eclampsia we need to take the baby to protect her.” I smile and nod… and more confusion sets in for me. It is amazing how your brain is just completely scrambled after a seizure. It almost feels out of body, and then you are occasionally thrown back into your body to process what has happened to you, but then thrown back out of your body before you can completely figure it out.

It took hours for them to get a room for me. I was put in the labor and delivery area, because that is where a woman with a 30 week pregnancy needs to be. All of my greatest fears start crashing in. The pregnancy before this ended at almost 12 weeks. An acquaintance from high school had pre-eclampsia and her baby had to be taken early. After a few weeks of a fairly healthy, but tiny and fragile, life, it suddenly ended. I couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to my yet-to-be-born baby. I didn’t want to go home to her almost completed room and have it remain empty. Please, God.

Scott eventually headed home to get the girls in bed and relieve our Pastor’s wife, who came home from work and watched the girls for us. I cried. I didn’t want to be alone. My parents showed up some time around 11 PM. I was so thankful to have some company. The doctors ran every big tests that I can think of. An EKG, ECHO, EEG, MRI.. so many tests on no sleep. All of them keep saying that they think that what happened was just because of dehydration. This really upset Scott. “I know what I saw. That was not just dehydration.” I don’t know what he saw. I don’t really want to know, because my heart breaks for him having to witness that.

The next day we finally get some results of the test. A resident tells me that I have a hole in my heart; a PFO. I was born with it, and will need to get more testing done to be sure that it is not big enough to need repaired. Great. The neurologist tells me that I did in fact have a seizure. They are going to put me on something that I need to take twice a day to prevent another seizure. Another seizure could cause me to go into labor too early, or potentially kill the baby. The baby is developed enough that the medication is safe to take.

The next day was Saturday; my birthday. They tell me that I will be discharged. I am handed what feels like a massive packet of discharge instructions. I am now a high-risk pregnancy. I have to see my OB once a week, and get non-stress tests done twice a week. I also have to follow up with a cardiologist and my neurologist. Also, I am no longer allowed to drive. “At least six months.”

A half a year ago today, our lives changed forever. My husband had to drive me everywhere. I had to sit hooked up to machines twice a week to make sure that our baby was still doing ok. Several times I had to have additional ultrasounds because her behavior was scary. Once I had to go to Labor and Delivery because her behavior was REALLY scary and they thought she was in distress.

A half a year ago today, my life was altered. A half a year ago today, my faith in God was tested. A half a year ago today, my faith in God GREW. A half a year ago today, I had the choice to let what happened to me- to us- make me bitter, or to let it make me better. I think that I honestly have bounced back and forth between the two. I sometimes feel bitter. At the beginning of the year, I was healthy. I had to use an inhaler before exercising, but that was it. Now, in November I have a hole in my heart, an undiagnosed seizure disorder, I fell down the stairs while pregnant, I had a breast cancer scare, I had to make the hard decision to no longer be able to have any more biological children, my aunt has been diagnosed with cancer, my grandparents are in failing health, and I was terrified for my baby’s life on more than one occasion. I have asked “Why me?” a few times. I have sat crumpled up in tears wondering why things just kept piling on top of me.

Sometimes though, probably most of the time, I am better. I KNOW that God won’t let me down. Even if things had turned out differently, He would still have been in every situation. I don’t always understand what He is doing, but I know that He is good and that is good enough for me. I have this beautiful miracle sleeping in a swing next to me. I have two other miracles whose smiles light up a room. I am thankful that the pregnancies with them never had these problems, because I had those strange spells in every one of them, and the doctors could never figure out what caused them. When they finally turned into a full-blown seizure, God protected me. He placed Scott behind a lawn mower facing me at a time when he typically would have been in his office. He placed me next to a slide that my body slowly fell onto and slid off of, instead of me plummeting to the ground belly first. He placed a neighbor next to us that was able to quickly get my girls away from the situation, so that they would not be afraid of all that was happening. He kept Harper safely inside of my belly until she was completely developed and strong. He was IN IT ALL. I never once have doubted his goodness.

It is hard to believe that it has been half of a year. Sometimes it feels like it was so recent, and other times it feels like it has been an eternity. On Monday, I will go see my neurologist, and he will fill out a five page form that clears me to drive. Or, he may say that I have to wait longer. I have had a few of those strange spells in recent weeks. I do not know if he will do another EEG before clearing me, or what is going to happen. I do know that God is in it all.