“It is cancer”

I have been talking on here a lot about an unspoken request. Something being very heavy on my heart. Something that turned my world upside down. It has been publically shared, so I feel that I can share it on here now.

My dad had some blood tests done and had to see a urologist because his PSA levels were elevated. They did biopsies of his prostate. My dad text me one day asking me if we could Skype. That’s not too unusual on a Saturday because we like to see them and chat. I told him that I’d be home from the grocery store in a few minutes and then I would call him.

We chatted for a few minutes and then he said that he was going to have to get going, but he wanted to give me his news. He said that he got the results of his biopsy. “It is cancer.” Then the internet messed up and he froze. I froze. It is WHAT?

Prostate cancer is an extremely slow spreading cancer. He had a bone scan and stomach CT, and it was all clean. His cancer is contained to the prostate, and they are now weighing their options.

My dad is a fighter. He is battling heart disease. He had a stroke. He is not letting them win. I know that this cancer won’t win either.

I feel like God must have something really good coming for our family. Usually there is a big storm before the rainbow. I know that God is doing something in us because Satan is fighting so hard to take us down. God is BIGGER. God is BETTER!!

Please pray for my family. This news is hard to hear. It sucks to be completely honest. It really sucks to hear that your dad has cancer. We are angry.. but I know that we will be ok.

True Life: I survived a 5 day nursing strike

If you have read past blog posts, you know that sickness has been going through our house. Chloe has had some virus that made her cough like crazy and run a fever. She passed it on to Harper, who started coughing and running a fever on Wednesday. Wednesday night, I tried to feed her before laying her down for bed and she refused to eat. I figured that she was probably just too tired to eat, so I laid her down and didn’t pump just in case she woke back up.

The next day, I tried feeding her when she woke up. She would dig her little hands into my body and push away while screaming. You would think that I was trying to make her eat.. I dunno.. black licorice. That’s how I’d react anyway. This continued all day. I think she is teething on top of being sick, so I tried to not pump very often in case she was hungry. I didn’t want her to be in pain when trying to eat. I finally called her doctor because it was nearing 24 hours. Desire is the PA at our doctor’s office. She had seen Chloe two days prior. She said that as long as Harper was producing tears and didn’t have a dry mouth, that I didn’t need to worry about dehydration. She asked if Harper has been sick. After explaining that she’d had a mild cough and low fever, she asked if I’d like to bring her the next day to check her lungs. I said sure, but didn’t really think they would find anything because she really wasn’t coughing very bad. She had a stuffy/runny nose more than anything.

Friday, I took her in and they said they could hear wheezing in her lungs. They said she had bronchiolitis and checked for RSV, which came back negative. 3 days of an oral steroid and she should be good. Just keep trying to push fluids however she will take them… which is, SHE WON’T! on Friday night she finally took a bottle and took a few bottles on Saturday. Sunday, I could hear her wheezing badly and took her into the ER after calling the doctor and he suggested it. They checked for pneumonia, which was also negative. She still would not nurse. She wouldn’t try. She screamed and cried if I even held her like I was going to try to nurse her. The ER doctor said “She’ll eat when she gets hungry enough.”

By Sunday I was freaking out because it had been SO LONG, and I was pumping every 2 hours and barely getting anything.

We are traveling later this week, so I was worrying about how I would be able to pump so often while seeing family, and what if I don’t keep up while we are there? So many questions stressing me out.

Last night, she was so exhausted by the time bed time came after going to the doctor once again for a follow-up. She had lost 1 lb 5 oz since Friday. She has to do breathing treatments, and take an antibiotic because her virus has most likely turned bacterial and needs treatment. I figured that I would go ahead and try nursing her again while the big girls cleaned up their mess from the day. Lo and behold, she FINALLY nursed. I cried so hard. It had been so long.

If you have never nursed a baby, you probably won’t understand this; unless you were unable to nurse because your body just wouldn’t do it. I thought I was never going to get to nurse her again. That would mean that I never again would be nursing a baby.. I did not want to have that ripped away from me like I feel the choice to have more babies was.

The bond that you form when nursing your baby is like no other. It’s amazing and beautiful, and I have always loved it; unless they get to be a stinker and bite a lot. ha!

I am so, so thankful that she nursed through the night many times. I am not thankful that she was miserable and cried all night if she wasn’t being held or laying next to me. I don’t like when my babies are miserable. She did finally get some sleep and I sort of rested. I am just thankful that she has continued nursing today, and it seems like we are back on track now that she is able to breathe a little better.

I am thankful that we have an amazing pediatrician who suggested that we bring her in to check on her lungs just to be safe. I never would have known, and it may have been so much worse on Sunday if she hadn’t had the steroid to help reduce the inflammation.

I am thankful that Chloe is getting over her sickness, and that hers never got any worse. I am thankful that Addison has been able to avoid getting sick, and that Scott and I have avoided it, too.

Dear diary

Dear diary,

I complain too much. It’s time to change this.

Game ON

I had my follow up appointment yesterday. My doctor was booked all week, so I saw another doctor in the practice. He said that he did not see any reason for me to stop the AIP “diet”, because there is nothing wrong with eating healthy like that. He said to sure be sure and compensate and eat more than I was. He also was willing to do the test to find out if I have Hashimoto’s or not. So, next Thursday I go back and see my doctor. This is all so irritating.

I am not pregnant anymore. When I am not pregnant, I NEVER go to the doctor… ever… I spent hours at my doctor’s office because they were trying to pinpoint what caused my episode on Sunday. He said that all he can figure is nutrition. I was almost hypoglycemic, too, so that could have been a part of it. Whatever. It wasn’t a heart attack. That is all that matters to me!!! I am starting to reintroduce foods today. Cashews were first on the list. They are tasty, full of protein and healthy fats, and will be great to travel with.

On another note, Chloe has been coughing horribly since Friday and started running a fever on Sunday. I called her doctor yesterday and they wanted to see her right away, so I spent hours in the evening at her doctor’s office with her. She is at the point where she will either start getting better, or it will turn into a sinus infection and she will need an antibiotic. Harper has started coughing now, too, so please pray this goes away. We are supposed to be traveling to see our families next week, and we can’t go if everyone is sick!! It is near the 50s here, and I finally hunted down some rain boots yesterday, so we are going to play with chalk outside after nap. We may not be able to go to church or the store, but we can enjoy the sunshine.

On the rainboot front, the only ones that I could find for Addi were yellow, which makes me think of my younger sister. They make me smile. 🙂 HOORAY FOR SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AIP diet update

Yesterday, I had been on the Auto-immune protocol diet for a little over 3 weeks. I was close to getting to reintroduce foods to my diet and find my triggers. My thyroid size had shrunk down significantly; so much that people had noticed. It was hard. You are making everything fresh and from plant-based ingredients and animal proteins. It requires a LOT of work and preparation. In my case, it required a lot of tears and frustration also.

Yesterday, we had a smooth Sunday. I know, daylight savings time and smooth don’t go together!! Well, I prepared. Neither of the girls had napped on Saturday, so we got them ready for bed and put them down early. They fell asleep early, and woke up at just the right time to get ready for church. Other than Harper, who slept in late even if the time hadn’t changed. No big deal. I just got her ready and took her to the church and fed her there. I was feeling relaxed and not at all my usual annoyed state. Let’s face it, Sundays are hard when you have a family to get ready. Throw in the fact that you are in ministry and everyone is watching you, and Sunday’s can be downright miserable some days. I’m just being real here. I wouldn’t trade ministry for the world, but it is tough.

Anyway, I noticed during Sunday school that I felt like my heart was beating faster than usual. No big deal. I had just climbed a tall flight of stairs to get to the Loft. I went down for choir practice and was feeling completely out of breath. I had to run back up to the loft to get something for Pastor, and when I came back and I really was not feeling right. I am in the praise team, so while standing there singing I kept feeling like I was going to faint. There are really hot lights shining on the stage, and we were singing. I rapidly kept feeling worse. As soon as I was off stage I grabbed Scott and pulled him outside. I asked him to feel my heart, which now could be SEEN beating rapidly. He made me sit down and waited a little while to take my pulse. It was 122. He told me to go to his office and just relax. I started feeling a little better. Once church was over, I went to meet up with Scott. I got caught talking to people and as I was standing there I started feeling really terrible. We went home and Scott got the girls lunch while I laid on the couch.

I remembered that symptoms of a heart attack are different in women. I looked them up because I couldn’t remember all of them. I started to worry because I had most of the symptoms. I asked Scott if he could take me to the ER just to be safe. My heart rate is always kind of low, and there was no reason for me to be so short of breath just laying around on the couch. We got a sitter and went. At the ER they put a monitor on my finger and saw that my heart rate was 110. They got me back really quickly and did an EKG and put in IV in. They did blood work and started running tests. they put me in my own room with a private bathroom, which was super except they hooked me up to a heart monitor and I was stuck in the bed for the nearly 5 hours that I was there. I told the doctor about having chronic thyroid disease, epilepsy, and having a small PFO, even though I figured that it really didn’t matter. She looked into the diet and went to check my thyroid levels.

Long story long.. my body was basically in starvation mode. She said that she applauded me for the dedication that it took to do a diet like that, but that it was not in my best interest right now because I am still breast feeding Harper. So, tomorrow I follow up with my doctor and find out what I am supposed to do now.

My thyroid works just fine according to blood work, but like the doctor said, my levels can just be fine and my thyroid is working in overdrive to keep it that way; hence the swelling. I am not sure what to do next. If I just let it go until I am done nursing, then that is at least 4 months of constant inflammation; increasing the risk of cancer developing. If I start taking medicine, then it’s over. I can’t go back. If I just have them remove it, then there are no options available.

I am so frustrated right now. I try so hard to take care of this body, and it feels like it just keeps blowing up in my face. A friend told me over the weekend, “Don’t quit. You know you have an enemy who wants to take your life. Don’t quit.” Satan is trying to destroy me. He is fighting so hard, and some days I feel like he is winning. I won’t let him. Please pray that I can have wisdom to know what the best choice will be, and that I can have peace with whatever that is…

Also, tomorrow is a huge day for my family and the situation that I asked that you pray about before… please continue praying.

Life gets heavy.

Do you have days where you feel like you have reached the end of your rope? Life just keeps piling things on top of you until you feel like you are about to break. That is where I am. You know my health issues. My aunt is still going through chemo to battle stage 4 lymphoma. My uncle is home recovering after a stroke that should have taken his life. It didn’t do that, but it was supposed to take his ability to walk. Well, it didn’t take that either. He is walking with a cane, and learning how to read and write again. That is great. There is another thing though. Something that I cannot talk about yet. Something that is weighing so heavily on me that I am having to force myself to eat because I just feel sick to my stomach.

This thing is weighing down on my shoulders so heavily. This thing is making me angry. I am trying so hard to walk in victory, because Jesus paid it all. This load is NOT mine to carry. But, it’s a hard one.. I ask that if you are reading this, that you just pray. God knows exactly what is going on; that is what matters. Please pray for strength. Just, please pray.

7 months old!!

Brand new to 6 months (5 month picture missing)

And just like that…

She is 7 months old

How did we get here?! Wasn’t she just a brand new tiny bundle of baby?

This little girl has so much personality. She eats 3 full meals a day of baby foods. When I wipe her face off after, she grabs the baby wipe from my hand, lifts it above her head, tears it in half, and starts chewing on one half while smacking the other half on the tray. She scoots around all over the house, but only in reverse or sideways. She has yet to figure out how to move herself forward. She is so close to crawling, and so frustrated that she can’t figure it out!

This little stinker is sitting up all by herself now. In fact, today I laid her on the floor and went to get a drink. When I turned around she was sitting up staring at me. I don’t even know how that happened. I just kept giggling, because it was so funny. She was grinning from ear to ear. So proud.

Her little life is just flying by. I am trying so desperately to cling to every day with her; while clinging to every day with Chloe and Addi.

Their lives are flying by, too. Chloe will be FIVE this year!!! Kindergarten age. It breaks my heart to see them getting so old, but I am really proud of how smart and independent they are.

Hug your babies. Hold them often. You can’t spoil a baby. That is nonsense. CLING to every day with them, because it flies by so darn fast that you look back and wonder where the months and days have gone.